(235): “I just don’t get it. Video games don’t suck his dick.”

-Textsfromlastnight.com

Video games, my friends, have long been women’s fiercest competition for the attention of men. Many times, they can feel like a giant barrier between you and the other sex. However, these games don’t have to be an object of separation between you and any hopeful boyfriend; instead they can be a tool you can use to establish yourself as “the coolest girl ever.” All you have to do is torture yourself for a few minutes by reading my post, and then possibly playing a couple hours of one these games. Who knows? You might actually like them (remember, they are designed to be fun).

Before I begin though, I want to issue a quick disclaimer: I am not teaching women to lie to men about their interests, I’m just teaching them to manipulate men and their interests in order to hook up with them. That actually sounds worse, doesn’t it? Yeah, screw it. Whatever, moving on…

Lesson 2: Video Games

Clearly, the subliminal message here is that you have to play video games if you want to hook up with Snoop or Matthew Perry

1. Let me start my list with an incredible opportunity to kill two proverbial birds with an equally proverbial stone. Men like sports, yes? Men enjoy video games as well, correct? Well then, any knowledge of sports video games translates into ludicrous amounts of props. The possibilities are endless. You can keep yourself up-to-date by playing Madden 2011, so you can rave about about how awesome it is to run the Wildcat with Thomas Jones and Dexter McCluster. Or, you could kick it old-school with NFL Blitz, and boast about how you can shred any defense with the Jaguars, so long as Mark Brunell has his boys (Fred Taylor, Jimmy Smith, and Keenan McCardell) with him. Say either comment, and guys will be powerless to resist you. That lethal combination of sports and video games is simply unmatched by anything else known to mankind.

2. A quick word of warning: knowledge of video games can either be the greatest weapon in your arsenal, or the instrument of your undoing. Different types of guys like different types of video games. So if you’re going to rely on video games in your repertoire, you gotta reference the right ones. There are two different acceptable ways to go: you can study up on the current Xbox 360 games, or keep it classic with the Nintendo 64. Either way is bound to impress the type of guys you’re looking for. If you’re not careful, though, and you mention World of Warcraft too many times, without balancing it out with enough Call of Duty shout-outs, you’ll drive away all the eligible bachelors and end up with an infestation of honor kids creeping on you, night and day (I can say that ’cause I’m an honors kid). Actually, please just don’t mention WoW at all.

3. Mastering the art of the reference is key. A lot of guys won’t have full-blown conversations about video games, especially around girls. Therefore, the trick is to show off your knowledge subtly, without making it seem obvious that you’re trying to drop the knowledge you picked up 2 hours ago online. Hence, the beauty of the reference. If you get good at it, you don’t have to introduce yourself by saying, “Hi, I’m Amy. I know about Pokemon.” (Too forward/weird) Instead, if you see a chubby dude passed out on a couch with a bag of chips in his hand, you can refer to him as “His Snorlax lookin’-ass.” (Subtle and funny, sure to impress any hot guys in the area).

Not Badass...

4. Speaking of Pokemon, pick a favorite one. You probably won’t need it, it’s just good to have in case Pokemon comes up. When picking your favorite Pokemon, it really doesn’t matter who you pick, with two exceptions. First, It HAS to be one of the original 151  (after all, nobody knows what the hell a Garchomp is anyways). Secondly it can’t be Pikachu, he’s so cliche. In addition, if you picked a Pokemon because it’s “cute,” do not admit it. Instead, no matter what reason you had for picking said Pokemon, say that it was because that Pokemon is “a bad-ass muthaf****.” Honestly, that reason works with any Pokemon, so stick with that and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t choose Magikarp, people will laugh at you.

5. List of key terms for the N64: Falcon Punch (know why this poster is funny), Koopa Troopa Beach (be sure to mention the short-cut and why you love/hate it), Heelflip to Darkslide, Goldengun (be able to explain why it’s the most annoying weapon ever), Toad (just make sure you know why he’s a waste of space in every game he appears in).

6. List of key terms for newer games: Actually, to be honest, I don’t play video games that aren’t at least 10 years old, so that’s not my area of expertise. Just be sure to yell “Scope” when you nail someone with a tennis ball (Paradoxically, “No-Scope” works just as well in this case). Also know who OG Loc is, and be able to recognize that he’s the biggest “busta” in all of Los Santos. If possible, try to figure out why CJ even helped his bitch-ass in the first place (no really, I’m actually curious).

-Kevin Binder

Photos courtesy of Geekologie.com and Creativeworlds.com